Why Do Men Cheat?, cheating, affa

divorceI know this has been one of those questions that’s been around forever and there are a million different theories to why men cheat, but after looking at some research done by Gary Neuman, LMHC, author of “Why Men Cheat”, I have finally found an answer I agree with.

In his research, Mr. Neuman found that an overwhelming majority of men stated that the reason they cheated was “emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under appreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures.” Mr. Neuman goes on to explain that “Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.”

A lof of times in relationships we fall into routines and unintentionally we take our spouses for granted. No longer do we give praise to the other person for doing the things we think they are “supposed” to do. This is where the other woman often comes in, making the man feel appreciated and valued. It usually has little do to with sex, although Mr. Neuman discovered that the frequency of sex, not necessarily the quality of sex was also an important factor in why men cheated. It also has very little to do with looks, as the man that Mr. Neuman surveyed usually said the other woman looked no better physically then their wives. What it has to do with largely is the man feeling appreciated and admired because men are often insecure, rather they know it, admit it, or not, and are always seeking for someone to make them feel good about themselves.

The number one thing to take from this is to make your man feel appreciated and valued, like he is a winner or eventually, another woman will. Not all men will cheat, even when in relationships where they feel devalued, but your relationship will be much better if your man is happy and feels like your hero even if you’re really the superwoman in the relationship.

90/10 Rule

Have you ever heard of the 90/10 rule? The 90/10 rule states that you have to take 90% responsibility for what is going wrong in your relationships with other people, your job, etc. It doesn’t mean that you are always wrong and other people are always right. What it suggests is that you examine yourself more so than pointing fingers, blaming and ridiculing others. This is important because the only person you can change is yourself! Let me give you an example of the 90/10 rule:

Suppose you are in a relation with someone that is going into it’s 7th year and you’re unhappy because after 7 years he still doesn’t respect you, he still lies to you about where he is, he still hasn’t set a date for your wedding and he still makes you cry when he ignores you…

The 90/10 rule would say that 90% of this is your fault, not blaming you, not punishing you, but saying you should take responsibility… take responsibility for staying with a man for so long who doesn’t respect you, take responsibility in the fact that you lied to yourself when you said he would change, take responsibility in the fact that perhaps you don’t like to be alone and therefore are willing to put up with someone who lies to you and keeps putting you off and again, take responsibility in the fact that your fear of being abandoned is what caused you the pain, anxiety and sadness that makes you cry when he ignores you. Now that this much responsibility is yours, what do you do with it? You change it! You stop giving him the power that has always been yours! You examine yourself and stop being a doormat, you deal with your anxiety and stop allowing yourself to be treated in a way in which you know you deserve better.

When you use the 90/10 rule you’ll start looking at all things different in your life. You’ll be able to stop being mad at people who won’t change and except that you had a big hand in all the chaos and YOU CAN CHANGE! You’ll start having conversations like: “You know, I want to apologize for being so angry with you for stringing me along for seven years. It’s my fault for being so afraid of being alone that I was willing to be hurt and hang all my hopes on a future with you. Now I know it’s really more about me than you and I refuse to be so afraid of being alone that I’m willing to be hurt. I have to deal with this issue on my own and that means being on my own, even if it hurts because I deserve so much more for myself.” Okay, maybe that’s a little corny, but I hope you get the idea. If you don’t, email me at newattitudecounseling@gmail.com and we can disuss the 90/10 rule in more detail. I’ve personally used the 90/10 rule to deal with some anxiety issues and it definitely works… it takes time and patients, but on the other side is freedom.