90/10 Rule

Have you ever heard of the 90/10 rule? The 90/10 rule states that you have to take 90% responsibility for what is going wrong in your relationships with other people, your job, etc. It doesn’t mean that you are always wrong and other people are always right. What it suggests is that you examine yourself more so than pointing fingers, blaming and ridiculing others. This is important because the only person you can change is yourself! Let me give you an example of the 90/10 rule:

Suppose you are in a relation with someone that is going into it’s 7th year and you’re unhappy because after 7 years he still doesn’t respect you, he still lies to you about where he is, he still hasn’t set a date for your wedding and he still makes you cry when he ignores you…

The 90/10 rule would say that 90% of this is your fault, not blaming you, not punishing you, but saying you should take responsibility… take responsibility for staying with a man for so long who doesn’t respect you, take responsibility in the fact that you lied to yourself when you said he would change, take responsibility in the fact that perhaps you don’t like to be alone and therefore are willing to put up with someone who lies to you and keeps putting you off and again, take responsibility in the fact that your fear of being abandoned is what caused you the pain, anxiety and sadness that makes you cry when he ignores you. Now that this much responsibility is yours, what do you do with it? You change it! You stop giving him the power that has always been yours! You examine yourself and stop being a doormat, you deal with your anxiety and stop allowing yourself to be treated in a way in which you know you deserve better.

When you use the 90/10 rule you’ll start looking at all things different in your life. You’ll be able to stop being mad at people who won’t change and except that you had a big hand in all the chaos and YOU CAN CHANGE! You’ll start having conversations like: “You know, I want to apologize for being so angry with you for stringing me along for seven years. It’s my fault for being so afraid of being alone that I was willing to be hurt and hang all my hopes on a future with you. Now I know it’s really more about me than you and I refuse to be so afraid of being alone that I’m willing to be hurt. I have to deal with this issue on my own and that means being on my own, even if it hurts because I deserve so much more for myself.” Okay, maybe that’s a little corny, but I hope you get the idea. If you don’t, email me at newattitudecounseling@gmail.com and we can disuss the 90/10 rule in more detail. I’ve personally used the 90/10 rule to deal with some anxiety issues and it definitely works… it takes time and patients, but on the other side is freedom.